I've had a good 4-day off from the Chinese New Year period and it gave me time to do things that I don't do often, especially at this stage of my life. Though I still draw my comics, as I always do on my free time, I've done something I never did for a long time-- writing a loveletter.
God knows how long since I wrote my last loveletter. Well, REAL loveletter and really meant it. I think I stopped writing one after my second wedding anniversary. That was the last time I wrote one for Jean. The reason for this is that I feel GUILTY writing it. So guilty that I considered it a sin.
When I was younger, I wrote a lot of it. For the girls I used to woe before in my school days, and for my friends (guys) who were either unimaginatively lackluster when it comes to inscripting their feelings, or were so busy getting into other girls' pants they just wanted a letter to give them a sensitive side to the girl's impression and mask their true intention.
Words are really powerful. and since I have real trouble in speaking and saying things about my feelings, and was quickly feeling embarassed and awkward, I use the loveletter to my utmost advantage. It was my shield from the actual rejection and the hurt of denunciation. Yet more often than not, the negative responses are far more outnumbered by the positive ones, which surprises me since I am the first to admit I'm not into MOST girls' Prince Charming standards.
I've never thought of myself as a bad person. Yet, looking back now, I guess I may have used my skill with scripting lovenotes to the extent of unfairly deceiving and giving false hopes to women I've been with in the past. words like "You'll always be the one" and "Forever" were used countless times, mostly flowered with moving phrases and adjectives of endearments, and most of the time I don't even mean it. Sometimes you even think you really meant something but then again, you just woke up next morning and found that you have moved on and you need a change. And because of this process I never realized I have caused pain and grief and disillusionment to people. Only a few years ago that I had the time to really reflect about it and I came to really hate doing it and vowed not to write another loveletter again if I can.
But last weekend I had a fight with Jean and it really blew out to some proportions. We didn't talk for a day and that is really strange. I knew I have myself mostly (not solely though) to blame so I have to make the move. Again, I cannot fully relate my emotions verbally so I have no choice but to write. I struggled at first, but at least I know what I'm writing is true.
Below is the note I simply titled "I'm Sorry". You'll be the judge if it worked.
"I’m asking forgiveness for not being there as always as you would’ve wanted me too, especially in these times when I’m chasing for my dreams. I know you feel alone at times and all you need is comfort, yet I misread it as tantrum and provoked you instead. Forgive me if I’m not that sensitive sometimes to comfort you back when you cry or make you feel better when you’re down, or console you when you feel alone. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all these times that waking up with you in the morning and seeing the sunrise on your face means everything to me. The feeling of completeness I experience over an over again every time I see your face sleeping so peacefully next to me. I’m sorry I did not tell you how the simple things you did was appreciated by my heart, or how my soul drowned with happiness time and time again that I experienced the magic of your laughter. I’m sorry for the times that I’ve been so selfish and egoistic that I hurt your feelings with the things I’ve said. I regret the timesI’ve been angry with you and I hated myself for the times that I made you cry."Labels: family, loveletter, note, reflections
