Thursday, May 03, 2007

Bluer than Blue

Being lonely is a bizarre thing. You can be lonely but not alone. I guess it's that craving within for a companion or a loved one, or both. I knew the feeling. I've been lonely before (well, who hasn't?). Yet when we feel at home and we have the people we've always longed for, you seem to forget that feeling of isolation and desolation that goes along with being lonely. In my case, I totally forget about it. How it feels or how it affects you. for two years straight I've been numb of it... Until now.

It's my second day being alone. Jean and Fergus went back to the Philippines to attend her sister's wedding and will be gone for over a week. At first I was excited since I have a thing or two in mind that I can do while the missus is away, like getting together with some friends and going out together. But then, one by one, the things that I thought were very ordinary, things I actually just took for granted sets in.

When I wake up alone yesterday, There was no breakfast waiting for me. No hot coffee. No croissants or eggs. And since there's nobody to woke me up, I was late and just had a brunch at lunchbreak. Upon coming home, the house is un-lit. There's no tyke rushing towards me to give me a hug and ask if I have a new toy for him when I opened the door. Nobody came over to give me a kiss and ask how was my day at work. No prepared dinner, so I had to make one for myself. After that, I had to wash the dishes too. Well, I used to do all of these work before when I was living alone, but I guess I was so used to the comforts that my wife does for me that it becomes everyday- ordinary for me. And more often than not, it all went unappreciated.

When I went to the bedroom, it's as messed up as it was when I left it that morning. The bed was not made and the usual nice scent wasn't there. Nobody's watching the TV and no teleserye dialogue can be heard. When I took my night bath, nobody's barking at me to off the heater after or prevent me from soiling the carpet. I can draw or sat infront of the game console with nothing to bother me.

... And I don't like it.

Actually it's not as much as not liking because I can live with it. The cooking and the dishwashing and the washing/ ironing/making the bedroom. I can do that. I've done it before and I can live with it all over again, of course with some adjusting needed.

... But not without my family. Because what i missed most are not the chores done but their presence. The hugs, the kisses, the conversations, the banters and petty quarrels. Not to mention joining your wife while she watches her favourite teleserye. Or the laughter that my son generates while we draw and play together. These things are priceless.

So enough with all the thoughts about beauty in solitude. I want the noise back.

As of now, I'm living in a house. And it won't be a home until my family is back. Because it's the family that makes the home and it's always where the heart is.

... And I can't wait.

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